Here due to complete boredom, it's the Stupid Morons Sales Associate Manual!


Terry Wilhelm
Sales Training Manual
Stupid Morons Enterprises

Welcome to Stupid Morons Enterprises! We are a computer software company. As a sales associate, you will receive a company-issued computer and free software, as well as food stamps during bad times. What you will be selling is the software for our products. To let you get a feel for them, they have been installed into your company-issued computer (known from here-on in as your “brain.”) Now, once you retire, we go out of business, etc. Please note that we will need your brain back in order to please the stockholders. Another freebie that you will receive is a crowbar. Don’t ask, you will know what to do with it when they time arrives.

Step One: The Pre-Approach.
Sales associates for Stupid Morons Enterprises will use the following sources and methods to find new customers.
Employer Leads: Leads will be distributed to sales associates by territories. These territories will be based on geographics as well as demographics. Your territory will most likely include several counties, depending on population. Distributing leads will enable our team to generate effective and efficient sales. This of course is because we use only the highest-quality crazy and or homeless people to go out in the field and survey the territories. Also, because you will be going back to “harass” these people almost every workday, they will eventually give in, or in a worst-case scenario, shoot you in the face. But the latter happens only to about 1 in every 11 sales associates in our company.
Cold Calling: Also referred to as “cold canvassing,” this method is very common in our company, as due to the nature of our company, we don’t get many repeat customers. Basically, you will walk into a store, company, house, etc. and ask to see the buyer of the place. You will then explain what you are there for, and if you are not thrown out immediately, gather as much information about the place (that involves our industry) make a sale, or at least an appointment. Try avoid being too annoying, as our overhead for sales associates is tremendous. What you will achieve by cold calling is very important. It allows us to gain information on key strategic facilities, and what equipment they have. It also tends to work well as most people hate Microsoft or their Macs.
Telemarketing: At least once a week, you are to sit down and start telemarketing. This method allows us to survey the area and sometimes even makes us some money. What you do is take the list that we give you of people to call, or just a phonebook and start calling, asking for the buyer of the place, and completing the survey sheet we will provide. If possible, also try and make a sale. This is our most in-effective technique, but is still rather productive in keeping our sales associates alive out in “the jungle.”
Mail: Thanks to our “arrangement” with the local post office, we get free postage on all of our mail, although the employees there might ask you to do some minor tasks for them in exchange. What you do here is send out one of our pre-written letters and catalogues and send them to relatives, and assorted other people you know first. Then, you should use your information gathered from the other methods for addresses. This is a very effective method as people tend to not see it coming, and normally love getting mail. Also, as we are very good at keeping up to date, we have an e-mail system set up on the “internet” that allows you to mail people halfway around the world (Communist countries/ Europe and Canada not included.) This is a very simple, but effective method that tells people about our line of products. Also, on occasion we may give you a large ticking box to deliver. It is very important that you get these delivered to where they need to go and not to open them ASAP.
Customer Referrals: In the event that we do get a sale, and the customer is insane, we may receive a referral. Be very wary of referrals, as many people tend to dislike some of our products sold to them. In the event of a referral, you should set up an appointment with this “referred potential” and bring all of your company issued equipment with you. Once you arrive, just “sell the crap out of them.” This method is very useful, as it means that people are actually finding out about our product and talking. You must silence the talkers. Also, add the referred customers to our “list.” What this achieves is more potential customers which means you will get a bonus, and so will the referrer, given in cash (3 big bags of pennies thrown through their windows. If no windows are available, throw it at them as they leave their house.)

Step Two: The Approach.
Great! You’re almost to the sale. Few ever make it this far. This section will discuss how you should approach an unarmed customer. Be careful, the approach can make or break a sale or salesman in some cases. Be courteous and respectful, establish good eye contact, be enthusiastic. No one likes a whiner. Show a sincere interest in the customer, not the person. Be friendly and genuine and use their name (if known) Also, time the approach appropriately. Don’t be late or approach them while they’re leaving the building. In Europe, be careful not to “cut to the chase” too soon or you may lose the sale. If asked about our company’s name, explain the joke (it is explained in a different brochure, titled “The Joke and You.”
Find out their interests: In an industrial situation, be sure to note all exits on your way in. This information could very well save your life. Once you are inside, refer to your previous notes of the place. If your notes do not mention the company’s interest, you must find out now. Start by finding out what systems they currently have, then ask them if they like it. Also ask why they like it, and why. If in a more retail setting, you will most likely have no previous knowledge, and will have to find out what the person needs.
Establish rapport: This is where good acting skills come into play. Treat the person as a real human, and more specifically an individual. Don’t stereotype them based on age, sex, race, religion. Appearance however is fair game, but try and avoid it. Be perceptive about their buying style. Do they want to get it over with or learn as much as they can and compare products often. If the latter, don’t give up yet, some people give in to peer pressure and hypnosis quickly. Put them at ease so that they don’t know what’s coming or about to hit them. Use any advantage you have, violence if no one else is looking / listening.
Putting the customer at ease: This has already been discussed in the introduction to this section. If you skipped it, you’re fired. Seriously.
Preferred Method: Considering the rest of this industry, you should use the “Greetings Approach Method.” What you do is carefully sneak up on the target, then welcome the person to the store. For training in sneaking up, try playing a game like Metal Gear Solid, Thief, or other “commando-like” games. Use a formal greeting, like “Good afternoon,” or “Good afternoon Mister Smith” if you know the person’s name. Try and act like the person to some extent, por ejemplo habla “Que tal mi perro” if the person is a Hispanic thug. Remember to always have your crowbar ready in case hostilities arise due to poor slang usage. After the greeting, pause a few seconds. Most customers will feel obligated to respond to you. If they don’t, menacingly slap the crowbar in your hand a few times. If they need help, they will most likely ask you for it. If they don’t, go “commando” and start stalking them until they come within a few feet of one of ours or our competitors’ products, then strike.

Example Dialogue:
You: Hello Mrs. Smith, looking for some new networking software today?
Target: (no response)
You: (using the crowbar technique)
Target: Oh, hello there. Umm yes, in fact I was just looking for some operating system software today.
You: Networking.
Smith: Yes… Could you assist me in choosing the right one?
You: Of course I can. Have you ever heard of the Stupid Morons line?
Smith: No, I haven’t. Is it good?
You: Yup, best on the market right now.
Smith: Well, how are they better than what I have now?
You: (still using crowbar technique)Your life doesn’t depend on you buying that one now does it?
Smith: Errr.. I guess not. How much will it cost me?
(More of this interesting dialogue later on in the training.)

Step Three: Determining Needs This step is more important than you realize, almost worth as much as the entire country of Canada. Determining needs is necessary to make a good, clean cut.. sale. Most likely the customer will be shopping around due to emotional or rational reasons, or sometimes both! It isn’t always obvious to you which of these motivations the person will be going with, but you should still keep on that giant smile and sincere interest in the customer.
There are three methods to help determine needs. They are observing, listening, and questioning. When you observe someone, look for motives that are nonverbal, like facial expressions, hand motions, eye movement, etc. An example is if in a retail store, and someone looks at a product, the amount of time they spend looking at it might help you determine how interested the person is in it. Listening helps you pick up clues about why they want the product. You can learn if they are experienced with the product. Make sure to maintain good eye contact, give verbal and nonverbal feedback, give them your undivided attention, listen with empathy and an open mind, and especially not to interrupt. When you ask questions, you could start a conversation. Remember that not all people can express their needs / motives completely. Ask general questions at first, after those you can ask more specific questions once you know their basic needs.
Some example questions could be:
Who will be using this software?
What type of software are they currently using?
How much experience has the person had with this software?
Where do they use this? Home or work?
What type of system is the user currently running?
Are there any specifications that you need in this software?
Will they be needing the mega-optitron edition, standard, or professional?
How much experience with computers has this person had?
Were they good experiences?
How much do you have budgeted for this?
Have you ever felt a crowbar to the back of your head?
Make sure to ask “open-ended questions” to encourage the customer to talk. They normally require more than a yes or no answer. Also ask clarifying questions so you know for sure what the customer needs. Remember not to ask too many questions in a row because that might make the customer uncomfortable. Also, don’t ask questions that might offend the customer or make them feel uncomfortable, or put them on the defensive.

Step Four: Product Presentation
To select the proper product for the customer is a necessity. You want to try and figure out what they want and what they can afford. First, figure out what they need it for. This can be done easily by merely asking what they’d like to use it for. If they’re a professional looking for some good software, you would point them over to a more advanced product most likely. In order to figure out their price range, without being blatant, show them a medium-priced product first. Then move up and down in the range depending on the customer’s response. If they start gagging and choking, show them a less expensive product (give CPR if necessary.) Also, make sure to only show the customer about 3 products at a time, to avoid overwhelming them with choices.
This is also the step where you start telling the customer features and benefits. Using your provided features benefit chart would be good. When giving features, use really descriptive, “active” verbs like nice, pretty, fine, and boggling. Avoid slang and double meanings. If you are talking with someone in the industry, or a pro, it is okay to use jargon (technical / specialized terms or vocabulary) but if you are with a less advanced customer, just use layman’s terms and avoid jargon.
Display the product to catch a customer’s eye. Demonstrating is a necessity, and you should also let the customer test it out too. If you can’t demonstrate the product to them, just use a magazine ad or chart of the product.

Step Five: Handling Objections
Objections. They’re the reason why we provide you with crowbars, and are the bane of a salesperson’s existence. They must be crushed and defeated. In this section we will describe to you, methods to annihilate objections. Objections are concerns, doubts, hesitation, etc. Excuses on the other hand… Excuses are insincere reasons for not buying something. Unlike objections, excuses are not based on rational reasons.
The most common objections are Need, Product, Source, Price, and Time. Need is a conflict between just wanting something and actually needing it. Product is where the customer doesn’t actually like the product, be it color, uses, or appearance. Source objections come from bad experience with the brand / firm. Price means that they don’t want to pay so much. Time is pretty much just the customer hesitating to buy so soon.
Here now is your friend Billy the Crowbar to show you the four (sometimes five) step process for handling objections. First, listen carefully. Look like you have sincere concern for their objections. Be attentive, let the customer do the talking, and especially maintain eye contact. Acknowledging the customer’s objections demonstrates that you understand and care about their concerns. Saying things like “I can see your point” or “I’ve had customers ask the same thing” make them feel that their point is valid and worthy of further discussion. Restate objections. Make sure that you understand what they are whining about. But the trick is not to say exactly what they said, but to paraphrase. Answer objections. Try and find a point of agreement with the customer before going on to their next objection. Think of yourself as a consultant. If all else fails, beat some sense into them with your crowbar.
Here are some effective, more specialized methods of handling objections. Boomerang. This is the method where you throw the objection right back at the customer in order to confuse them or use it as a selling point. Something like “Wow, this jacket is so light that it can’t be warm.” Then you would respond by saying “Actually, since the insulation is made of high tech silkworms, it is actually quite warm.” The question method is one where you ask a question to clarify their objection. Don’t put them on the defensive with your question. Superior point. This would be used to show that even though there might be some problems, the other features offset them and make the product worthwhile.
Direct Denial is a method that denies the customer’s “untrue” and “inaccurate” data with the “truthful” data that we provide you.
Demonstrating the product is a technique that solves a lot of problems.
Third party is where you get a recommendation from a neutral party, like a previous customer or magazine.
Public beating. This method is used as a true last resort. You take Billy and beat the customer like a piñata, trying to spill out their oil and cookies.

Step Six: Closing The Sale
Closing the sale is probably one of the most important steps as a salesperson. What closing is, is obtaining a positive agreement from a customer to purchase the product. Sometimes, since it is such a natural part of the sale, the customer may close for you by saying “I’ll take it” or “give it to me or the girl dies.” Now, timing is horribly important in this step. You must close when the customer feels ready for it, not when you’re ready. You should be flexible, customers aren’t all ready at the same time.
Some general rules for closing a sale are:
 If you think the customer is ready to buy, stop talking. If you continue, you’ll just annoy them.
 Help the customer decide by summarizing the features and benefits again.
 If they’re having trouble deciding on what to buy, stop showing them more products you fool.
 Don’t rush them. Rushing only works in video games and war.
 Use words like you or your so that it seems that you really care about them.
 If you’ve removed the major objections, restate them.

Step Seven: Suggestion Selling
This is the fun part. Suggestion selling takes place right before you go. Basically, you try and sell the customer some more stuff. An example would be selling someone a warranty for their brand new rodeo clown. What we would add on would be maybe a license, extra software, a mocha cappuccino, or maybe a nice new mouse pad with our logo on it. We also have subscriptions for our online games, and even our mascot, billy the crowbar. We really don’t have many other products to be sold, other than of course the actual company.
Here is what I would do and say to get a customer to buy one of these related items.
Me: Well, now that you’ve decided on our great new networking software, would you like a mocha?
Target: No, just let me buy and get out of here.
Me: (using the crowbar technique yet again) Well you know, after installing all that software, your hands might get cold. Wouldn’t you like this hot beverage to bring back the circulation?
Target: No, not the crowbar again, fine fine, I’ll buy the stupid mocha.
My thoughts:It was pretty tempting then to finish the beating and hide the body, but here’s what you should do.
You: So, now that you’ve purchased Urban Agent Online, would you like a subscription for three months?
Target: Well, what does it do?
You: It allows you to play online after your free month.
Target: That kind of sounds like extortion.
You: Uhhhh.. well, we have to pay for the massive bandwith and servers needed for this great game.
Target: I guess I should buy this subscription.
You: Of course you do. Wanna buy a mini “Billy the crowbar” mascot?
Target: Wow, that does look pretty cute. I’ll take it!
You: You know, we also sell stock, or even the whole company!
Target: Umm.. I think that’s enough.
You: (Crowbar in hand) Well.. suit yourself. (Jump into melee combat)

Step Eight: Reassuring / Follow Up
Now, after you’ve made the sale, there’s some after-sale activities that we recommend you do in order to keep customer satisfaction above the “mild headache” level. There are many methods that we enforce in order to get repeat customers. They include relationship marketing, taking payments/orders, departure, the follow-up, and an evaluation.
Relationship marketing involves keeping close with a customer. They are used to keep a business – customer relationship good in order to get repeat business and get customer loyalty. When you take a payment or order, use common courtesy. Work quickly while completing the paperwork / cleaning up Billy. Avoid saying or doing anything that might piss off a customer or annoy them. Departure. Before the customer leaves or before you leave, reassure the customer that they made a good decision and if needed, teach the customer how to use the product. Make sure to thank them. For the follow-up, check on the customer’s satisfaction with the product every so often, and follow through on all your agreements. The evaluation is sending a survey for the customer to fill out, to find out if they were satisfied with the product and service.

Conclusion
To quote a great old punk song, “It’s my job to keep punk rock elite.” You should learn from this example. Now that you are with Stupid Morons, you are one of the elite. We need you to do the best job possible. If you don’t, you will be tarred, feathered, tarred again, then coated in a second coating of feathers, then tossed out a 3rd floor window. Twice. So, we recommend that you do the best damn job and make those sales. And remember, we’re not doing it for the money, we’re doing it because we’re cynical, sarcastic, and don’t like people.
Some bonuses for reaching certain sales quotas are discussed here. However, in order to claim them you must complete a rigorous obstacle course.
Level one (17 sales in a month): Billy the Crowbar “almost-gold” plated statue
Level two (18-36 sales): One SAM missile silo
Level three (37-50 sales): Small immigrant child from Asia
Level four (51-100 sales): Tarring and feathering. Seriosuly, level four is worthless
Level five (101-175 sales): Our respect
Level six (176-231 sales): A duck (or goose, your choice)
Level seven (232-300 sales): A Columbian drug cartel
Level eight (301-400 sales): Your freedom

Yes, I did turn that in as part of my marketing final. I'm pretty sure it got me an A. And this is one of the things we copyright and I will kill you if you steal. Seriously, I will.